Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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