I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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