Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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