we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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