Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
