Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
