dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
