i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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