I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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