At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
