Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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