so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
