how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
