I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
