pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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