if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize