No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
