he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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