That's when you crack a 10am beer
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
