I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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