At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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