I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
