Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
