She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
