i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
