I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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