"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize