I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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