I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize