atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
