my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize