yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The power of my boobs compel you
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
