his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
