First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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