This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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