You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
