So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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