Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
