I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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