I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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