So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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