we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
