I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
