also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
