Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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