I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
