Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
