Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
is that a dick in a sweater?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
