We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
