Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
