Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize