Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
