I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
