I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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