To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
