Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
