Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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