i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
