Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
