Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
